The End... For now...

So here draws to a close an incredible 5 weeks.

I cannot even describe how incredible my time with Betel has been, but I have tried to as best I can in this blog.

I will miss every single girl in that house, the laughs, the deeper conversations, and even the more mundane things we did together
I will miss the church, the worship which made me want to die just so I could go to heaven and do it for eternity 

I will miss seeing a sea of scarred, tattoed arms raised in adoring worship to our king 

I will miss the sermons and teaching which would not only challenge me but challenge my girls and be the subject of many incredible conversations
I will miss seeing smiles with teeth missing
I will miss everyday hearing the most mind blowing testimonies of transformation
I will miss my fellow interns, the inspiration they were to me, the wonderful example they gave of Godly, loving, servant hearted, passionate persuers of Jesus.
I will miss hearing every prayer begin with something like 'God I thank you for what you've done and what you're doing in my life. I thank you you that I don't live on the streets, that I no longer take drugs, that I don't have to sell my body to buy drugs...'

I will miss the privilege of working in an organization that started from a couple of obedient hearts and is now an ever growing organization which has pulled over a hundred thousand people out of the pit and lead them into the loving arms of God. 

I will not miss beginning everyday with hitting my head on the above bunk.

But I will miss pretty much everything else about that place.

And I believe I will carry a bit of that place in my heart forever. 

'Once a Betelito, always a Betelito.'

You may be wondering what's next for me. Those of you who have been following this blog may be wondering if I still feel called abroad if I've had such an incredible time so close to home.

Well at the moment it still looks like an emphatic yes to overseas mission. The thing is throughout my time at Betel God did not let me forget about the rest of His world and the more specific areas and people I feel Him calling me to long term. If He had not been reminding me in the most profound and amazing ways I would probably have been tempted to stay at Betel forever.

He called me to Betel for that season. And I don't believe I have seen the very last of that place, I have been given an open invitation to come back and visit, an invitation I shall certainly be taking up at the nearest opportunity.

He called me there for many reasons I believe. Partly to show me more of the magnitude of His power and love. To show me the reality of the fact that He can do far more than I can ever ask or imagine. To show me the importance of a humble, obedient, serving heart. To remind me of His love for the lost and the broken, and my call to bring them the good news.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading this thing for the past 5 weeks, sent words of encouragement and prayed for me, it has genuinely been so appreciated.

God is good all the time

God is good and that is His nature.

God bless you

Caris x

'For I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content.' - Paul

Hello again!

So this week has totally flown by, and in all honesty much of it I can't remember as it flew by so fast. 

There's a saying in Betel: 

"15% of what you do you love, 15% of what you do you hate and the other 70% is unmemorable." 

As I come to the end of my time here one of the biggest things I'm thankful for is that God has begun to answer a prayer that I have been praying for over 6 months now; that I would learn to be content in all circumstances. 

Those who know me well know that I'm someone who quite likes to be flung out of her comfort zone. For me there are few things that excite me more than being alone in a crazy place or situation with only God to count on - but being content, joyful and reliant on Him in the more mundane times has always been more of a struggle. 

But since being here, where a lot of my life involves cleaning toilets, sweeping, mopping, making sandwiches, cooking, delivering flyers, taking out bins and working quite normal nine to five jobs I am finally starting to grasp the art of worshipping God in the daily 'normality' of life, finding genuine joy in such times and seeing Him even use such times for His glory! I mean, the most incredible chats I've had with the women have always been when we have been working side by side on a job. The jobs I used to look forward to the least I now usually find myself eager to do as I get to worship my awesome God in the process! 

However I am of course still in the process of learning this; the other day I woke up feeling awful, I hadn't spent much time alone with God the last couple of days so I was having one of those days where I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to stay in bed and sulk. And so I did the only thing I knew that would get me out of bed and give me strength to face another long day, I prayed. I asked God to provide me that day with something that would take my eyes off myself, make me look to Him and give me stamina and joy for the usual 18 hour day. Not long after the job of the day had started, one of the older women came up to me and asked me what it was again that I was studying, when I told her it was theology she got so excited and pulled a crinkled, well written on piece of paper out of her pocket. It was full of all the questions about the Bible and about God that she'd accumulated since being in Betel and for the rest of the day I got to indulge in a few of my absolute favorite activities in all the world - talking about the Bible, talking about Jesus and talking about the cross as we worked! It not only lifted my eyes from earth to heaven but also gave me that joy which I only ever experience when sharing the gospel with people who's hearts are hungry to hear it. God is so good to me!

Even when I forget to be content, God reminds me of all that I have to be content about. 

It's such a privilege to be able to grow so close to these girls, it is a bitter sweet feeling however because I know I'm leaving soon and it feels kind of like I'm cheating these ladies in a way; getting close to them, seeing God do amazing works in their lives, talking to them, praying with them, offering as much love and friendship as I possibly can only to leave after 5 weeks. 

Monday a girl told me that I was her best friend in the house. You might think my heart would be warmed or that I'd feel good because I'd 'made an impact' on this girls life. But I didn't. I felt really sad.
I am sad that this girl feels that a listening ear is such a rare luxury for her.

I am sad that this girl is so deprived of love and her expectations of people are so low that even the slightest show of friendship surprises her.
I'm sad that her yearning for love and satisfaction drove her to years of drug addiction.

Yet I am comforted also, because I can see that God is starting to fill this void in so many of these women. I see it each day, our two newest girls are thankfully seeing the back end of their cold turkey detoxes so were well enough to come to church on both Friday and Sunday. The two of them were utterly blown away by it, in awe and in tears. It's amazing to see them day by day getting more and more interested in the gospel message, and even having deep revelations of who God is. Though in this life I may not see the end result, I may not find out in this life if these ladies managed to stay clean and off the streets but this I know: that they are so deeply loved by God, that He is aching to see them fully restored, and become all that He has called them to be. All I can do is do what He has called me to do here and entrust them to His care.

I will close with this prayer, written by Ignatius Loyola which has really challenged me all this week:

'Teach us, Lord, to serve as you deserve, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, to labour and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do your will'

God is good all the time

God is good and that is His nature

God bless

Caris x

A Disciple Made!

So tears of unspeakable joy seem to be a daily occurrence for me these days. Barely a day goes by when I am not completely, unfathomably, gloriously overwhelmed by God's power and grace

It's strange to think that I'm now almost two thirds of the way through my time here. When I arrived and told people I was here for 5 weeks, they all said 'is that it?! That's not long enough!' And I thought '... er... 5 weeks is a decent stint of time actually...' I was wrong, 5 weeks is not at all long enough in a place like this.

I will begin by telling you all what the highlight of my week was:

Monday I was talking to a lass who'd been here exactly a week, she was telling me how in just a week of cold turkey she hadn't craved a single thing that she was previously addicted to, not even a cigarette. How she felt a joy, peace and warmth in her heart that she hadn't felt in nearly ten years. She said she knew that can only be God - so she's now given her life to Jesus! She's been here a week! Isn't that incredible?! I literally can barely get my head round that! I'd love to say that right there and then I was able to feed her all the right theology, take her through the gospel to make sure she knew what she was doing and calmly try to discern if this was a genuine commitment or not but I didn't. Instead I started to cry, and then she started to cry and we both sat there beaming with tears of joy running down our faces ruining both our composure and our mascara. 

We had the privilege of receiving another new girl this week. As she came in, still sweating and shaking from her last fix I couldn't help but grin; After seeing all that God had done in other people in such a short space of time I couldn't help but be excited about what God is going to do with her, what the power of the gospel could do in her life!

We can so often underestimate what God can do and even what He can use. On Wednesday one of the quieter girls asked me about whether I'd always wanted to be a missionary, a question which naturally lead to me sharing my testimony. Although I don't really believe that there is such a thing as a dull testimony of how someone became a Christian, after a girl who used to be a homeless drug dealer called her own testimony 'boring' I kind of figured my personal testimony wasn't massively useful in this place. But after I shared mine she tearfully told me that so much of the stuff that God had brought me through and healed me of was stuff that she was really struggling with, I was able to chat and pray with her about it all. God can even use what many might perceive as a relatively bland 'minister's daughter' testimony in a place such as this. 

All these things have lead me to thinking not only about the power of God, but also the love of God. I've been trying to meditate daily on 1 Corinthians 13, particularly verses 4-7. If you've ever been to a wedding you'll probably have heard these verses read out at some point during the service, so that's what people often associate these verses with, but this does not merely refer to the love between a husband and a wife; this is a call for all of us to have our very lives reflect the extravagant love of God!

Verses 4-7:

'Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; love is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; love is not irritable or resentful; love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.'

I encourage you to read through that again and where you see the word 'love' replace it for your name. And make it your prayer, that you will become more like what the Bible says love is. That everything about your life will ooze love and therefore reflect the beauty of our Saviour. That's one of the things I'm praying for God to do in my life at the moment.

I've been singing 'Open Hands' by Matt Papa a lot since being at Betel, it's a song which has challenged me and brought me to my knees many a time, it sums up a great deal of what God has been reminding me of since being here:

To give unselfishly, to love the least of these

Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands

All these treasures that I own will never satisfy my soul

Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

So I lift my hands, open wide, let the whole world see

how you loved, how you died, how you set me free! 

Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands,

with open hands

To finally let go of my plans

These earthly kingdoms built of sand

Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

As I lift my hands, open wide, let the whole world see

how you loved, how you died, how you set me free!

Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands,

with open hands

You took the nails, you bore the crown

You hung your head, your love poured out

You took my place, you paid the price

So ,Jesus, now I will give my life!

As I lift my hands, open wide, let the whole world see

how you loved, how you died, how you set me free!

Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands,

with open hands

how you loved, how you died, how you set me free!

Free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands,

with open hands

with open hands

God is good all the time

God is good and that is His nature

Thank you for reading

God bless

Caris x

Change, Daily Bread and Valentines Day

Hello people of the internet!

So this week I'll be nearing the halfway point of my placement which doesn't seem right to me!

Since I've been here we've gained two new girls and said goodbye to two more mature ones. The most recent new girl came on Tuesday, when I got home I said hello to her then was told I needed to move out of the room I was staying in and move into a different one to make room for this lady. Anyway she's doing well, she is still going through detox though so often suffers from fits and stomach pains.

I had to move rooms again on Friday night because one of the leaders was away so I needed to watch one of the new girls. The first night I was in her room she asked if we could pray, I of course said yes, I started praying and she stopped me and said 'No you say a line of prayer then I repeat' (English is her fourth language) 'I know it's childlike but I like it. It's how I learn.' I thought it was beautiful, this girl who just over a month ago had been destroying her body with heroin and other drugs now knew Jesus and was eager to know Him more and learn how to draw nearer to Him. It's such a privilege to journey with these women and see how God is revealing Himself to them more each day. Stunning.

In other news I am pretty certain I have gained about a stone since being here. I'm ok with that.

All the food we eat is donations from Sainsbury's. We probably get on average over a thousand pounds worth of food a week donated to us by Sainsbury's which is amazing when you think about it. When Betel began they could go for days without food and then someone might give them some cabbage and potatoes or something, but it's somewhat different now - we are lavishly blessed and provided for. And all the girls know it too, their gratitude of God's provision of food is so evident.
Food however can also be a difficult subject: The other day, one of the leaders was leaving to go to India for six months so two gorgeous looking cakes were brought home! They looked amazing! But when we looked at the box and saw that there was a percentage of alcohol in them they had to be thrown in the bin. To many this may not sound like a big deal but for some reason this really shocked me (partly because I was in the mood for cake and those particular cakes looked absolutely incredible.) but the thing is, even a small percentage can be enough to cause some of our recovering alcoholics to fall off the wagon - which can actually be a matter of life and death.

Another food related issue which has come up a lot this week is a sad one. When people are leaving a dependency of one thing they can latch onto something else like food or control over what they eat. Betel try to avoid employing people or having interns who have struggled with eating in the past; this is such an intense environment so even emotions and attitudes that haven't been a major problem for years can resurface when a person is surrounded by the things which used to hold them captive. There have been times in the past when the fridge has had to be locked because of problems with binge eating, other times when locks have had to be taken off bathroom doors to stop people from trying to vomit after mealtimes or eat toilet paper instead of food and other times when the girls have had to have every meal 'plated up' with a measure of food and would be disciplined if they didn't finish. You're not really even allowed to speak negatively about yourself here. You may think it seems incredibly harsh but the thing is when one person is dealing with something like that, because you're living so closely with people - low self-esteem and issues surrounding eating can somehow be contagious among a group of people like this, people who are still recovering from extreme brokenness and addiction. In the past this kind of thing has become an epidemic so extreme precautions are taken.

The reason I have gone into detail about this is because for the last few days, some of the leaders and I have found traces of vomit on a few occasions when cleaning the toilets. Like I say, these things can escalate very quickly. Please be in prayer for this situation as things could get bad. Thank you.

Now, let's move onto something more cheery.

Valentines day!

Valentines day was actually very special for me this year. And no, fear not, there is no news on the relationship front, (Dad, you can put the bat down), it was special because at Betel it is celebrated as unconditional love and surprise kindness day (perhaps not the catchiest name). It is a day when you go out of your way to show surprise random acts of kindness to people and you are to expect to hear from God and see His love in an unexpected way. It was really cool! Such a blessed day! Though there were many great things about the day, my favourite random act of kindness of the day had to be this one; we were on our lunch break at the community center and a lady said 'Oh you're from a charity? I have a few clothes I can spare you if you want them?' Betel always need clothes, they're always bringing new people in and usually these people come in with nothing but the clothes on their backs so donations are always appreciated. We were expecting a small carrier bag or something.

We expected wrong.

This woman proceeded to bring out ten black bin bags full of good quality clothes, and three boxes of crockery. 

I think I will have to start implementing this version of Valentines day in the future

This week literally flew by, I have been challenged, stretched, exhausted and greatly blessed. 

I'm amazed at how quickly I've grown to love the girls here. The women here amaze and bless me everyday, of course they sometimes drive me insane too but the blessings far outweigh the moments of despair. 

This is a place that could melt even the stoniest of hearts. I was moved to tears in the car the other day as a girl pointed to a house and told me that that was where she lived when her addictions were at there worst, where she used to sell her body just to keep her veins topped up with heroin, where she'd had children taken away, where her partners had abuse her, where she'd go to bed and never want to wake up and where she eventually had to run away from. 

"You'd think I'd feel nothing but bitterness towards this city, it was where everything went wrong but I don't. That's how much He's saved me. I can look at that house and smile because looking at it reminds me of His power and grace. He can do anything." 

These words came from one of the most beautiful, joyful, loving young women I have ever had the privilege of meeting. God really can do anything. The longer I stay here the more I get shown that. I see His transforming work in people's lives here every single day. 

I don't mean to be arrogant but I think my block placement is the best one. Just saying ;)

This week, if you are the praying inclined please pray

• That the Lord will continue to provide me with strength, energy and enthusiasm for every task
• For the new girl on detox, that she would come to know Jesus and that her health will improve
• For those dealing with issues surrounding eating
• That regardless of how busy I am I will continue to be able to find time to spend time with God
• That I will be a blessing to the women here, even more than they are to me
• That I'll demonstrate and continue to learn more about sacrificial love and service

Thank you

God is good all the time

God is good and that is His nature

God bless you

Caris

x

To the recovering addict I became... a recovering addict?

So I wouldn't describe myself as a massively sheltered person. God has brought me through lots of experiences, set me free from so many things, taken me on many crazy adventures, over a fair amount of seas, to many places and to all kinds of different people. 

But I have never seen anything like this place. This place which is a mere 45 minute drive away from the house I grew up in. This place where a church has been planted and is thriving and growing rapidly... A church made up of people who have lived on the streets, spent decades hooked on the most dangerous drugs, sold their bodies and anything else they had to get their fix, been in and out of prison, had children taken away by social services, stolen, lied, been violent, used fellow human beings as means to terrible ends... But are now new creations. Free from every chain that held them captive. It's the kind of place where you'll come down to breakfast and see a new face and after introducing yourself you'll say "Oh, where are you from then?" and they'll say "Oh I just got out of prison this morning." and then they'll become your new best friend and asking all kinds of questions about faith (yes that happened the other day) Amazing.

That's Betel's vision. To evangelize and plant churches among the least, the last and the lost. To raise up gifted leaders out of people who the world would say are beyond help. 

Friday night was the start of their Cumbre (international conference) where all the founders came over from Spain. I find it incredible how God used a bunch of ex addicts to start something which today has lead literally hundreds of thousands of people (yes, hundreds of thousands of addicts worldwide are now in all kinds of different ministries because of what God did through Betel!) out of the gutter and into the loving arms of God. God uses willing hearts. These people are reminded every day of how God both physically and spiritually brought them from death to life. They know they owe God everything so a willing heart comes naturally to them. They shared stories of how it all began, it was amazing yet also sounded incredibly tough! Most of the leadership of Betel died of HIV AIDS within the first five or ten years of Betel starting, they spent a huge amount of time at cemeteries burying their pastors in those first years, yet God always provided and continued to raise up new people to take on the work. But one of my favourite things about the Betel story is that they made so many mistakes at the beginning! Yet even big mistakes couldn't hinder God's work! 

One of the highlights of the week has been street evangelism amongst Birmingham's homeless. We were witnessing to and praying for a group of homeless people and one of the women burst into tears after hearing the testimony of one of our girls who this time last year was exactly where she was; living on the streets, running out of useable veins to inject heroin, cut off from her family,  prostituting herself and others but is now clean, healed and restored. All because of Jesus. Yes this stuff really does happen!

It's safe to say that I'm having a flipping incredible time.

Anyway, what specifically have I done this week?

So since arriving last Saturday I have been constantly 'on'. The only time I'm alone is when I'm on the toilet or in the shower (the new girls on detox don't even get to be completely alone then!) On Friday I finished some jobs earlier than expected so called my family and best friend, I realised that that was the first time that week where I didn't have something to do. My schedule is pretty much packed from the moment I get up to the moment I fall into bed.

Every single day. Fortunately, God is my strength, sustainer, provider and comforter - that's enough to help even someone as lazy as me!

I'll usually be delivering flyers or working in a cafe or another Betel business or something from 9 to 5, before then is breakfast then prayer, worship and Bible teaching, then after I finish whatever job I'm on that day I'll come back to the house, eat and then do whatever household responsibility I have, then we have an hour of quiet time or small group and then fellowship time and then between 10 and 11 I'm allowed to go to bed.

Why the crazy schedule? Because it's necessary. If the recovering addicts are constantly occupied there's no time to crave a fix, so the leaders and interns have to be constantly occupied also. People in this house are family, not patients. It's so incarnational, this means that I am basically on the programme - I do everything the girls do. To paraphrase Paul: to the recovering addict I became a recovering addict.

I've had many encouraging messages from people this week which is lovely, however I also would like to be honest and say that even though it's been amazing I have also found it incredibly challenging at times and have even managed to find the time to throw a tantrum at God. The other day I came home not in the best of moods, wet and freezing cold after delivering flyers all day in the rain and wind and just wept before God. I told Him that this was too hard and that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be that incarnational. I even made a list of all the petty things I missed about 'normal life', stuff like being able to phone people when I want to, my time and energy being my own, and other things that in my head I had a 'right to'.

But after I wrote all that and was saying to God 'look at all this stuff I'm giving up here! It's not fair! Others don't have to give this stuff up for their placement! Why am I having to give up all these things?!' I felt God break into my hurricane of selfishness and immaturity and say

'Look what I gave up to go after you. Look what I gave up to go after the very people I have sent you to.'

I shut up after that. Praise God.

He gave everything for me. We are all called to give up everything for Him. To give up everything for the sake of the lost. Our time, possessions, hearts and lives are not our own if we belong to Jesus. We cannot serve both God and gold, or both God and ourselves, or both God and our insecurities or whatever else we find controls our actions and desires. 

Greater love has no-one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

As you can see, I'm very much still learning.

God is good all the time
God is good and that is His nature

Thanks for reading

Please spare a prayer for me and this place when you can

May God bless you even more than He's blessed me (and He's blessed me a whole flipping lot!)

Caris

x

'This place is wall to wall with ex addicts and none of us even smoke or swear! That could only be God!'

The above quote is something that my second house leader said which made me smile yesterday and something that I think somehow sums up the place I'm living in

Sunday afternoons are when I'm able to have my laptop and some time alone so that's when I'll be updating this thing

SO I've been here about 24 hours now. I got off to a flying start after arriving at the wrong place yesterday (yep, I know, only me, right?!) we ended up at the men's house rather than the women's safe house. Oops. It took a kindly Betel worker to come and hint at the fact that there were a lot of men around to realize that we were probably not in the right place, fortunately we were then directed to the correct address and then things ran a lot smoother.

Now I'm here, I would like to just say that I feel so, so scandalously blessed to be here. To be somewhere where there are such immense living testimonies of God's power and grace walking around everywhere! I'm starting to hear a few stories of how people got here and man! It's incredible! These women have been through all kinds of things; addiction, homelessness, prostitution, imprisonment, violence, gangs, and more.Yet if you were to look at most of these women now, you would never know, all you can see is the joy of the Lord shining through their faces. Every single one who I have asked 'how did you come to Betel?' whether they have been here a couple of months or a couple of decades have all simply smiled and said 'God' before telling me their astounding testimonies.

This morning we all piled in the mini bus and went to church where we joined the guys from the men's house and others who had been through Betel. This was an immense experience, it was so amazing to see such genuine worship. Most of the people I've spoken to were heroin and crack addicts so the scars of that life are still visible on their arms; seeing so many tattooed, scarred arms raised in worship to God was something I could describe in no other way than this - a beautiful picture of redemption. That's the transforming power of the gospel right there.



If you are the praying type please pray for me

• That I'll continue to form really great relationships with the girls here and with my supervisor
• For the new girl who's still going through detox
• That I will learn quickly
• That I will point people to Jesus
• That I will be content and hard working at whatever job is put before me

God is good all the time
God is good and that is His nature

Thank you gorgeous people!
God bless you
Caris x

God's faithfulness and my block placement

Gid'evening!

So... As a lot of you already know I'm off on a 5 week block placement on Saturday and I figured it would be a good idea to say a little bit about what I'm doing and how God lead me there! 

I'm going to be working with an organization called Betel of Britain, a missional community / drug rehabilitation center. There I will be living 24/7 with the recovering drug addicts and alcoholics in the women's resident recovery center. This means sharing rooms, sharing meals, sharing household duties and working alongside them in the various businesses that Betel have set up to help rehabilitate their residents. My job will be to be a friend to these women, showing them genuine friendship and Christlike love.

I understand that I've not given a full description of what Betel do, so if you're interested their website is:
http://www.betel.org.uk/

Anyway. How on earth did God lead me to doing something like this?

Well to be honest I'm not really sure of the whole picture but here are some of the details that I've been let in on

So

Let's start with summer 2013...

Last summer I went to Israel for five weeks, this was an amazing time, yet also an incredibly hard experience. Yet even though it was so, so tough, I knew that this was the kind of thing, working in the Middle East with victims of war, violence, persecution and oppression was the kind of thing that I had been wired for. 

I was aware that I had to sort out a 5 week, UK based block placement for my degree course so I looked around at organizations that would have something to do with that. I had been working with Muslim tribes people and refugees and figured that this was also kind of 'my thing' so when I got home I started looking up organizations in the UK which reflected that.

For a few months I applied for all kinds of things, but I felt so uneasy about every single thing that came up. Even the organizations and churches that were interested in having me I felt an apathy towards, a heaviness in my heart that I can't really explain. I had a sense that God wanted me to do something different, something I hadn't done before. The first deadline for getting block sorted passed and I still had nothing, I had to meet with the placements team and tell them that I didn't know what I was doing but a simple sense that God was leading me in a different direction. They were supportive but it was clear that this was not exactly what they wanted to hear. 

The following few paragraphs are things I really don't want to admit to. But I owe it to my awesome Lord and Savior to swallow my pride and testify to His faithfulness despite my faithlessness.

Through all this time I was actually going through one of the most difficult periods of my walk with Jesus, I was feeling so distant from Him, for the first time since I was sixteen I felt far from God, even reading His word, the thing that had always, always pointed me to Him and spoken into my life wasn't speaking to me as it always had, I read it out of routine, not out of genuine love. The Bible felt so mundanely familiar yet also so foreign to me. It felt as if I was in a true wilderness; separated from my heavenly Father. 

It was hideous, I felt so broken. I came back home after my first term of second year absolutely drained, because my relationship with God was at its weakest, every other aspect of my life was a struggle, to all those who were around me during this time, I can only apologize for how I acted and ask for your forgiveness. The joy of salvation I once knew so, so intimately now felt almost like a distant memory. Don't get me wrong, I still believed with all my heart, I still loved Jesus and knew that nothing else compared to the all surpassing greatness of knowing Him but the fire, the passion, the zeal that had once consumed me seemed faint now. I no longer cared about any of the things or any of the people I used to care about. I just wanted to be left alone.

Don't worry, it gets better...

Over the Christmas break, God was doing a lot in me. It felt like He had taken everything I had known and broken it all apart, this was horrible to experience, it felt like I knew almost nothing about God anymore, like I couldn't be sure of anything. Little did I know that God was allowing me to rediscover some of His deep truths all over again. Teaching me to read His word, spend time with Him and hear Him in new ways. It was beautiful. I learned and am learning so much! Like so, so much! One of the things in particular was how to recognize and trust His still small voice like never before.

So back to how God lead me to me Betel

Though I had been praying a lot about block it was mostly whiny prayers, whingeing about the fact that I didn't know what was going on, I remember when I stopped complaining to Him about the fact that I had missed deadlines and instead said something like this to God: 

'Lord. I will only go where you send me. Where do you want to send me for block? I refuse do something because it is in front of me, seems like the easiest thing, sounds like the most exciting thing or sounds like something that will make me look brave. I will not do something just because it is the first thing that comes up and I have a deadline to meet, I will only do what you tell me to do and go where you tell me to go. Wherever it is, here I am Lord. Send me.' 

God answered me straight away. Winner!

What came into my mind was a book that I had read when I was around fourteen, fifteen years old, a book I had read a time when I was barely a Christian and had not thought about since then. It was called 'We Dance Because We Cannot Fly' by Guy Chevreau (read it, it's a flippin beauty of a book!), it was about an organization called Betel, after a quick Google search I sent them an email asking whether a placement would be possible. It turned out their next internship started on the same date that my placement was meant to start. Perfect. I sent off an application form, the heaviness and apathy that I had felt towards all the other opportunities was not there, instead enthusiasm and peace.

A week before going back to college I received a phone call telling me that they had accepted my application.

God remained faithful.

As per usual, my worrying did not restrain His faithfulness.

If you've got this far, well done! This was an absolute essay so well done for persevering, what I would ask you to do is pray for me, please pray...

• That I will learn lots, and go with a humble, servant heart. That I will be joyful, enthusiastic and content with whatever job is asked of me, and that despite the packed schedule be energized for any task put before me.
• I'm going to be living very closely with the women on the recovery programme, even to the point of sharing a room with them, as someone who values independence and personal space a little bit too much this will be quite a challenge so please pray that I will embrace this. 
• That no matter what I will have such an overwhelming, Christlike love and compassion for those women, that I will develop really strong, trusting relationships with both the residents and the Betel leaders.
• That I will be constantly relying on God so I can be a good role model and witness to the women.
• That I will have the privilege to see a glimpse of the transforming power of the gospel in people's lives.

God is good all the time

God is good and that is His nature.

Thank you so much

Apologies that this is so long! If you read it all, well done, you have more patience than I do especially if you're one of my friends who doesn't yet know Jesus 

God bless you

Caris

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